Five weeks ago, I let myself begin a journey into my own personal emotional healing that was what I would describe as the closest thing to Hell I can imagine at this moment, if there was such a thing. My youngest child moved 3000 miles away, my business partner had a crisis and basically jumped ship on our plans to move forward in the future, and all the emotions that I imagine I’ve let myself stuff way down deep over this life time and who knows how many more came bubbling up to the surface, catching me by surprise, and literally taking my breath away at times.
The emotions that surfaced for me seemed so foreign, they really caught me off guard. I experienced for the first time in my life that I can remember what loneliness feels like; that was so weird to feel that, because all my life, I’ve loved my “alone” time, and have never felt lonely. When it bubbled up from within me to feel, it paralyzed me into fear. Along with the loneliness, I also felt feelings of abandonment, which were all too familiar, though not felt this in years. I began to feel the pain of these emotions, and really had myself totally stuck in my mind. I had emotions of sadness, of loss, a grieving process settled in, I felt anger at myself for feeling these things, and I basically did a real number on myself.
Being a certified Teacher for the Voice for Love the last few years, a mentor and spiritual counselor to many others, I knew the tools to move through this space I had allowed myself to be in. But I also knew that these emotions were some Core issues for me and I needed to be with them for a while and let myself feel them all, really wallow in it, or what I call “walk through the fire” with them. I knew that in order to finally in this life time dissolve these feelings or emotions within me and heal from them, I would have to authentically feel ready to release them to Holy Spirit and dissove them into love, and I wasn’t ready for 4 weeks.
Our Voice for Love Celebration/Graduation ceremony was 4 weeks away when I felt myself slip into my emotional journey. There was no way, shape, or form I felt I would be able to force myself to come out of my house and get on a plane and travel to the Virgin Islands. Just the thought of that far into the future was impossible for me to even consider in that space where I was within my own mind.
For four weeks, I only left my house to walk my dog and to go buy coffee when I ran out. All I could do each day was to be totally in the moment…the past was too sad and too heart-breaking to think about, and I couldn’t even begin to see the fog lift to begin to contemplate the future. My new normal was somewhere out in the distance, and I could see no evidence of it from my standpoint for 4 weeks.
So moment to moment, in the “now”, Holy Spirit and I were joined and we talked; I shared that all I was willing to do at those moments was to allow these emotions to exist. And Holy Spirit reassured me that was okay. I found myself checking airline flights to Seattle and changing my airplane ticket from the Virgin Islands to go see my kids who I was missing terribly. I was at one time only one click away from completing the change transaction, only 5 dollars difference in the ticket price.
But during this time, Holy Spirit gently led me to take a leap of faith and go to the Retreat, to allow myself this gift for ME, to be in the love and support I knew deep down inside would be there. I told my teachers, the Doyles, that I wasn’t going to guarantee what frame of mind I would be in when I showed up on St. John for that week, and they lovingly repeated Holy Spirit right back to me, just come as I am and that will be enough.
I allowed myself to manifest fears of all the trials and tribulations we might encounter in our week-long camping adventure together in tents in trees, and the thought of all the spiders I was convinced would show up, out to get me personally, creeped me out. I bought a mosquito tent to use while I was there to provide extra “protection”, as if everything could ever be outside of divine perfection.
After the plane landed in St. Thomas, the weather changed to a slight storm and on the ferry ride to the Island of Love, St. John, I took a picture of an abandoned ferry, tossed up against the rocks, out in the midst of the stormy seas, and it was such an incredible metaphor of the way I was showing up in my heart to the retreat. It made me even more sad and very melancholy to see this image of my state of mind at that moment.
The first hour in my tent, there were 4 spiders that had to be abolished, I felt, and I cried myself to sleep that night, with the lapping of the gentle waves from the torquoise healing waters of the Caribbean Sea. The next morning, the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was a spider on the outside of my mosquito tent face to face, right at eye level, and I felt myself become paralyzed in fear, so much so that I didn’t know if I could leave my tent that day. I was really and truly in the very midst of the burning fire, and it was beginning to get hot.
I made it out, with the love and support of a dear friend, and on that day, meeting with the group of all of us Voice for Lovers, my heart began to open and I knew I was ready to give it all to Holy Spirit to be loved and walked into the Light and to release it authentically and lovingly. It was in the midst of all of us being brave enough to open our hearts together, no matter what, to feel the love that we are that my tremendous healing began. I will be eternally grateful to all my family in the Voice for Love who made me feel cradled during this process of my heart healing, opening up again to loving without restrictions, no boundaries, full steam ahead. I love you all!
Give yourself the gift of emotional healing. It is the most incredibly loving thing we can give to ourselves, and to others, and it is what makes this life experience so rich and so full of joy and love! Out of this whole experience, I am now able to teach how to heal a broken heart, how to emotionally join and heal any emotion that could possibly be holding us back from experiencing everything Life has to offer. When our hearts are wide open, we love…we receive love from others, we share love in the world, and it all matters. I tell my students that this process is not for the weak of heart, but it is so worth it all!!!
Blessings and joy!